Hold hand

The small girl is lost

Looking for a familiar face

A friendly, kind, loving face

A familiar face

But she is lost

Lost in the crowd

She is turning and turning

Trying to look

Trying to find that face

But she can’t

She raises her tiny hands

And she signals to be held

Signals to call her

To call him

But she is not there

Neither is he

She starts to cry

And then the cry turns to wail

But no one hears her

And she keeps looking for the face

Frantically calling her and him

But they don’t come

And then she sees her

And him

They stride towards her

Hold her and shakes her shoulder

She is furious and so is he

It seems as if she is about to slap her

She continues to wail

Even though she is happy to see her and him

But she is scared

They look furious

And then they tell her

In a deadly whisper

To follow them

And they turn their face and go away

Leaving her there still crying

She scrambles after them

Fearing she may get lost again

And tries to hold her hand

But she yanks it away from her

She becomes silent

What was my fault?

I still don’t know

But since then

Until now and always

I know that I was refused

They refused to hold my hand

 

 

 

‘What are you?’

“She is flowers, I am butterfly. What are you? You are abstract.”
Those three words- ‘You are abstract” are still ringing in my ear. So true, it defines me completely yet it lacks definition. I, my life, am abstract. Just like the splashes of colours on the canvas which is displayed to everyone, ultimately hides the true meaning of the blotches. Spectators can rarely distinguish between the first and the last splash on the canvas, yet they pretend to understand it in their own manner, thus drowning the real meaning and colour it with their own colours and meanings.
But why am I saying all these things? Why now? Behind my closed eyes faces and places flash in some weird fast paced sepia form movie, the voices are overlapping each finally becoming a blurred noise. I open my eyes to see….
In the morning, on my way to college I realise that I like the weather. The blazing sun and the cold wind, my two favourites elements of nature, together caressing my face. I like it, as it reminds me of the mountains. I mean the weather is the only thing about mountains I like, the only reason I would undergo the tedious job of travelling to the mountains, fighting nausea on the twisty roads. Such a beautiful day, I don’t want to waste by spending time attending lectures. So detour to my favourite library, and plan to finish a fascinating book. I usually read a book quite fast if its interesting, but for some reason I am finding it hard to concentrate. So I reach there, sit with my friend and end up spending time with her chatting over an array of topics. And next when I reach a level of consciousness, am sitting in a café across my friend, drinking my favourite coffee and discussing my love life, rather the lack of it thereof.
But who would have known that I will end up like this? Sitting here, I am blank. Am looking but am not able to take in anything.
After all these years of struggling, trying to find an ‘identity’, going through all the pain, it all boils down to those three words- ‘You are abstract.’

Because…

It’s burning inside me

The urge which threatens to consume me

The urge to be in your arms

To feel the warmth of your embrace

To feel the wet kiss on my forehead

And the feathered breath on my hair

To hear the consoling voice

Your voice reverberating from your chest

To my very soul

But when has life been fair with me?

As I sit in this cold dark room

All I can do is imagine you

With me here and promising to be with me forever

Because I never had the courage to tell you that day

That I really liked you

 

One look

One look is all I need

To know that you don’t know me

One look is all I need

To know that you will not talk to me

One look is all I need

To know that you may even despise me

But,

One look is all I need

To know that you missed out the chance to be with me

My personal piece of heaven

Wake up wake up

I find the darkness staring back

Its pleasant but devoid of any smell

About which I may read in books

Or listen to in songs

Look out look out

Out of the window

And look at the grey buildings

Surrounding me

The trees and the wires colliding

Step out step out

Out the house

And join the rush

Rush to reach, rush to work,

Rush to make yourself

A bigger and juicier investment

And then once in a while

I take a moment to look up at the sky

The various shades of blue

Specked with white and grey clouds

Dashed with white-gold rays of sun

I find my own piece of heaven

My personal piece of heaven

A dream….?

I see it in my dreams

Blood red petals

Entwined lovingly

I can almost smell the sweet scent

Alluring and seductive

It calls out to me

Mesmerising me

Momentarily I lose control

All I want to do

Is to plunge into its sweetness

And desire

It blossoms, the petals slowly

Caressingly open up

And reveal the core

I stop thinking and pluck it out

But my fingers,

Oh! My fingers which

So reverently wanted to care

And love it

I felt it pierced

Ruthlessly by the thorns

Drawing blood, which

Drop by drop

Drips down on the surface

And like venom, burns a hole

I can see the fumes rising

And suddenly

At this moment I wake up

From my dream

And I see blood on my sheets

Telling me about

Innocence lost forever

I curl up

And cry myself to sleep

Hoping fervently that

The nightmare will go away

And the black hole in my heart

Will fade away

One Moment

Its twilight

The most beautiful part of the day

I can see the reflection of the drowning sun

On the dark gray clouds,, which

Float against the inky blue sky

I can still smell the memory of the last rain

Lingering on the earth

I can feel the promise of something

Something good, coming soon

Drifting in the cool air, which

Touch my face, reverently

I stop on my tacks

I can’t take one more step ahead

Instead

I stand and breathe in

The wind, the smell, the feel

And the memory of a good day bygone

My heart wants to sing, to dance, to enjoy

To capture that one moment

Just that moment forever in my mind

Realist

I am fed up of being all positive and hopeful and happy. You know what? I am dark, twisted and a masochist. I have never seen anything white in my life. My eyes have always spotted the specks of colouring even on a spotless whit cloth. I don’t what anything to be sunshine and happy or even rainy and romantic. I want dark and restless and thunderous and cyclonic. I am fed up of looking for the silver lining on every dark cloud. I know it’s not a silver lining but the lightening which echoes the promise of further despair. I am not a cynic but a realist. Life can be all dreamy and cloudy for a few seconds, minutes, hours or days or months. But it all comes to an end. Everything does. One day reality just shows up as the unwanted and unexpected guest and resides in your house without any shame. It can make you feel like an outsider in your own home.

Why do people still believe in that life can be better and will be better? It’s like believing the spoon-fed notion of Santa Claus as a happy-and-generous figure. I would like to believe otherwise, that is Santa Claus as a pervert-and-twisted figure who lures into houses and bedrooms at night to do God-knows-what.

So, I would like to officially put an end to my days of misery when I truly believed that something good will happen in my life. I can’t take the pressure anymore. This life is easier and more real than the one I led. If I continue to live the previous kind of life then I am much more of a loser than I ever thought myself to be.

My Kingdom

I never knew what love was

I was safe

In my own kingdom

With myself

I was happy

Not exactly giddy with happiness

But happy

My kingdom was strong

And I was safe

Safe from all the

Terrible and wretched memories

Painful memories

Of negligence and hurt

Deliberate hurt

I was safe within the walls of my kingdom

My treasure, my heart

Was safe

And I was content

But suddenly I felt the change in the air

The wind I was familiar with

Suddenly started to blow from the other side

And then

I saw you

You came along

Galloped into my kingdom

And tried to break down my walls

You wanted my treasure

I could see it in your eyes

And I couldn’t save my kingdom

I fell deeper and deeper into a pit

But I hoped

Suddenly hoped

That you will be there

On the other end of the pit

To catch me

And hold me

But then I saw her

And saw you looking at her

And I knew that you will never save me

Because you never saw

Whose kingdom you had broken into

I couldn’t scream

Couldn’t cry

Couldn’t ask you to help me

Because I knew

I knew that the moment you will see me

You will laugh at me

Crush my treasure

Throw it away

And won’t even look back

So I kept quite

And I saw you

See her

And saw her see you

And as I kept falling down

Into the pit

I only wish you happiness

And that

No one else goes through what I went through

As I kept thinking that

I heard a distant rumble of lightening

Felt the air swoosh past me

Felt the pricks of helplessness

And closed my eyes

Before the black darkness

Engulfed me

Swallowed me

Removed my existence

From this very earth

Shattered

Tears of my sorrow

Slide down my face

I feel disoriented

I close my eyes

Hoping to cut out

From the world around me

So that I can reside to the

Inner world

A world inside of me

Which I have created

For myself

To protect myself

To heal myself

But I can’t heal

The cut is too deep

The pain too intense

So intense that I can taste

Taste the blood on my tongue

Feel the stab of pain

On my body

Feel the ache

The ghost of the ache

Still lurking under my skin

And suddenly the safe place

Is raided by memories

Memories I don’t want to relive

And not just the blows on my body

But the words, so powerful

That it broke the innocent dreams

I used to harbour in my heart

Those dreams which became

More than just dreams

And became a part of me

My life depended on it

And was my solitary friend

In my solitariness

Yes,

Those dreams were shattered

Ruthlessly

I cried, but no one heard me

No one cared

Forced into abandonment

I cloaked myself in illusions

Illusions of belonging to someone

Of being loved

Of being lovingly held

But the cuts are too deep

Deeper than I thought they were

Because my heart refuses

To mend

The cracks are still visible

And shows its fragility

Far too easily

It can’t hold any more hope

Of belonging to anyone

Than a broken vase

Can hold water

I can never be accepted the way I am

And I never will be

It will be abandoned again

And again

Thus

I don’t want to risk it

Ever again

I can’t risk it ever again

And thus I will keep my heart

Within myself

But somewhere

Deep down

In the abyss

Of my mind

And the broken heart

Miraculously

I feel the sting of hope

Telling me that I may not

Be correct at all

And I will one day

Find myself accepted

Content and safe