Realist

I am fed up of being all positive and hopeful and happy. You know what? I am dark, twisted and a masochist. I have never seen anything white in my life. My eyes have always spotted the specks of colouring even on a spotless whit cloth. I don’t what anything to be sunshine and happy or even rainy and romantic. I want dark and restless and thunderous and cyclonic. I am fed up of looking for the silver lining on every dark cloud. I know it’s not a silver lining but the lightening which echoes the promise of further despair. I am not a cynic but a realist. Life can be all dreamy and cloudy for a few seconds, minutes, hours or days or months. But it all comes to an end. Everything does. One day reality just shows up as the unwanted and unexpected guest and resides in your house without any shame. It can make you feel like an outsider in your own home.

Why do people still believe in that life can be better and will be better? It’s like believing the spoon-fed notion of Santa Claus as a happy-and-generous figure. I would like to believe otherwise, that is Santa Claus as a pervert-and-twisted figure who lures into houses and bedrooms at night to do God-knows-what.

So, I would like to officially put an end to my days of misery when I truly believed that something good will happen in my life. I can’t take the pressure anymore. This life is easier and more real than the one I led. If I continue to live the previous kind of life then I am much more of a loser than I ever thought myself to be.

My Kingdom

I never knew what love was

I was safe

In my own kingdom

With myself

I was happy

Not exactly giddy with happiness

But happy

My kingdom was strong

And I was safe

Safe from all the

Terrible and wretched memories

Painful memories

Of negligence and hurt

Deliberate hurt

I was safe within the walls of my kingdom

My treasure, my heart

Was safe

And I was content

But suddenly I felt the change in the air

The wind I was familiar with

Suddenly started to blow from the other side

And then

I saw you

You came along

Galloped into my kingdom

And tried to break down my walls

You wanted my treasure

I could see it in your eyes

And I couldn’t save my kingdom

I fell deeper and deeper into a pit

But I hoped

Suddenly hoped

That you will be there

On the other end of the pit

To catch me

And hold me

But then I saw her

And saw you looking at her

And I knew that you will never save me

Because you never saw

Whose kingdom you had broken into

I couldn’t scream

Couldn’t cry

Couldn’t ask you to help me

Because I knew

I knew that the moment you will see me

You will laugh at me

Crush my treasure

Throw it away

And won’t even look back

So I kept quite

And I saw you

See her

And saw her see you

And as I kept falling down

Into the pit

I only wish you happiness

And that

No one else goes through what I went through

As I kept thinking that

I heard a distant rumble of lightening

Felt the air swoosh past me

Felt the pricks of helplessness

And closed my eyes

Before the black darkness

Engulfed me

Swallowed me

Removed my existence

From this very earth